Daughter Needs an "Alone Day"

Our first dilemma comes from a friend of mine we'll call "Jane." Sounds fake enough, right? Jane doesn't want to embarrass her teenage daughter, whom we'll call "her daughter." Jane received the following text message from her daughter:

mom. i need a day off. from being around people. you know how it affects me. i just need an alone day. when i get like this, i get depressed, and i want to try something new so that it happends less frequently. tomorrow i have no tests. i'm caught up in spanish and math..do you think i could take a break?

Jane was torn. On the one hand, she wanted to respect her daughter's feelings, but on the other, she didn't want to send the message that it's okay to ditch school and avoid problems. When asked, her daughter assured her there was no problem at school, no one was picking on her, and it had nothing to do with avoiding any academic deadlines. Jane told me, "Shoot, I want an alone day, too. Don't we all? But I have to go to work. Of course, she is only a teenager...what do you think I should do?"

Here is how Kristangelo weighed in on the matter...

She says:

Ah the drama of the teenage girl. She sounds like Greta Garbo. "I just vahnt to be alone." Well, in an age where "alone" is virtually (and I use the word literally) impossible anymore, I can certainly respect her wish to check out. Today's teens are so plugged in to each other through facebook, twitter, texting and chatting, it's no wonder they seek some solitude now and then. In fact, it's probably a healthy sign. I wonder if they aren't growing addicted to constant contact. Sounds like she needs a weekend at Walden Pond to me.

But the question is, do we allow our kids to take a "personal day" from school to get this solitude. I think the answer needs to be no. If she is indeed depressed, as she says, then she needs to be taken to a therapist for evaluation and treatment. However, I suspect that she is pulling that word out to be persuasive. "How can you make your depressed daughter go to school? Have you no heart?" Kids today must all have a copy of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual hidden under their beds. My daughter has matter-of-factly informed me that she has a personality disorder. When I asked which one, she waved her hand and said she forgot the name of it, but that she definitely has it.

But I digress. Back to Jane's question. I would encourage a face-to-face dialogue in which Jane acknowledges her daughter's feelings, telling her that we have all been there. Offer to make plans for the weekend to go to lunch and talk about what's going on that has her depressed. Maybe go shopping or get a pedicure together. Young girls are far more likely to share with their moms in these types of situations than when confronted outright. But bottom line, she needs to go to school. There is a life lesson in this for Jane's daughter. As we become responsible adults, we sometimes have to act in a way that is not in accord with how we feel in a particular moment. But we suck it up and face the music. It's how we build character.

I would also tell her that once she gets a shower and has her morning coffee (my daughter has been drinking coffee since she was eight), it will be a brand new day. Getting up and out will probably make her feel better than if she wallowed in her solitude all day, dwelling on the depressing aspects of her dreary teenage life. After all, self esteem doesn't come from the outside. It comes from doing things that are worthy of esteem. So, go to school, Greta. It'll all be okay.

He says:

You know what my mom would have said if I had asked her for an "alone day" when I was a kid? "Sure, honey. You want an alone day? Here's an idea: Friday night, when all your friends are going out, you can have an alone day, in your room."

Kids don't have problems. They have zero responsibilities in life, except to get good grades, and since teachers teach to the goddamn test these days, that's even easier nowadays. I have no idea when kids became the center of the universe, but it was way after I was a kid, that's for sure.

If it were me, I would tell my daughter to spin around in circles, and while she is doing that, I'd say, "Now, while it appears that the world is revolving around you, you are actually just spinning around like a retard. Now go to school, cuz Daddy needs an alone day, and I actually earned one."

So there you have it.