My boyfriend is addicted to the Call of Duty series. I bought him an Xbox for Christmas, and ever since then, he plays for hours a day. Seriously, he plays as soon as he gets home from work, stops briefly to scarf down some dinner, then right up until he goes to bed, which gets later and later. Last night, he stayed up until nearly 2 AM to get to a "stopping point." Since he plays online, with other people, he can't just stop whenever he feels like it. He doesn't want to "let the others down."
I'm glad he has something he enjoys so much, since he had no hobbies when we met, and I don't want to turn into a nag, but I'm getting sick of being ignored. At this point, I think he needs to go cold turkey and sell the Xbox. He has shown that he cannot control his habit, and it will tear us up eventually. If I hear, "Just a minute..." one more time, I'm going to scream.
What should I do, Kristangelo?
Signed,
"Zelda"
She said:
As a college English instructor, I can't tell you how many student papers I have read about video game addiction. It's no joking matter. Such enticing fantasy worlds, these games seem designed to lure players in and not let them leave. Like the lotus-eaters in The Odyssey, players (60% of whom are male) get sucked into their virtual worlds, where time melts away unnoticed and the real world loses its appeal and importance. I can't help wondering if these games don't provide an outlet for that archetypal need men have to hunt, kill, and protect. Needs that don't get fed anymore in our modern corporate world...
We have an Xbox, and I have definitely seen how alluring these games can be. Most women don't play them, saying they look stupid or that they have no interest in them. I don't play them because I know that I would eat me some lotus, take a semi-permanent seat on the couch, and lose days of my life. I simply don't have the time that I know they would suck out of me.
As for your boyfriend, I think he definitely has a problem. Whenever we can't control our usage of something, be it alcohol, painkillers, video games, or credit cards, we are addicted. The hallmark of addiction is evident when our lives "become unmanageable." If we lie about our usage, hide it, or minimize it, then there is a problem.
However, I think cold turkey may not be necessary. Yet. I recommend that he put down the controller, turn off the Xbox, and have a conversation with you about setting some limits on his usage. You needs to tell him, and not while he is playing, that you have a problem with the amount of time he devotes to the game. Your relationship is suffering, and if he values it, he will agree to a compromise. You must be careful though, to use "I" statements, to talk about how this is affecting you, and to avoid accusations or criticism. This is a problem you both face, together, and can solve, together. He needs time to play, and you need quality time with him.
If you two can compromise, then you will have some free time to go shopping, meet your girlfriends for dinner, or do whatever you want while he plays, and he will have some time to check out for awhile and kill some Nazi zombies. Of course, you can also opt to pick up a controller yourself, join in the game, and become part of his virtual world. If these measures don't work, though, he may need to quit, or you may need to quit him. Ultimately, he needs to decide for himself what is important and what deserves his time and attention. Then you will have to decide if you can live with his decisions.
He said:
I was just playing Fallout New Vegas and had to stop so I could type up my part of this... I really was, so I understand how these games could take over someone's life. When I was single I'd play Fallout 3 for hours on end, killing mutants and searching for for new towns. I beat that game, and when I did my Xbox sat idle for months... until New Vegas came out. Now, I play quite a bit, but I try to keep it down to times that I'm alone or when Krista is grading papers. But I must say that she still hears the occasional, "One more minute."
I think it's time for a little talk with your man. You need to let him know that he needs to manage his gaming time a little better. Yes, I said "manage his gaming time better" because the game isn't going away. If I had to guess, I'd say you'd be gone before the game if you put out the old ultimatum, so don't go there. Don't give him the chance to pick the game over you. Explain how you feel about his excessive gaming and see how it goes. If he doesn't come around, dump his ass. Game over!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Daughter Needs an "Alone Day"
Our first dilemma comes from a friend of mine we'll call "Jane." Sounds fake enough, right? Jane doesn't want to embarrass her teenage daughter, whom we'll call "her daughter." Jane received the following text message from her daughter:
mom. i need a day off. from being around people. you know how it affects me. i just need an alone day. when i get like this, i get depressed, and i want to try something new so that it happends less frequently. tomorrow i have no tests. i'm caught up in spanish and math..do you think i could take a break?
Jane was torn. On the one hand, she wanted to respect her daughter's feelings, but on the other, she didn't want to send the message that it's okay to ditch school and avoid problems. When asked, her daughter assured her there was no problem at school, no one was picking on her, and it had nothing to do with avoiding any academic deadlines. Jane told me, "Shoot, I want an alone day, too. Don't we all? But I have to go to work. Of course, she is only a teenager...what do you think I should do?"
Here is how Kristangelo weighed in on the matter...
She says:
Ah the drama of the teenage girl. She sounds like Greta Garbo. "I just vahnt to be alone." Well, in an age where "alone" is virtually (and I use the word literally) impossible anymore, I can certainly respect her wish to check out. Today's teens are so plugged in to each other through facebook, twitter, texting and chatting, it's no wonder they seek some solitude now and then. In fact, it's probably a healthy sign. I wonder if they aren't growing addicted to constant contact. Sounds like she needs a weekend at Walden Pond to me.
But the question is, do we allow our kids to take a "personal day" from school to get this solitude. I think the answer needs to be no. If she is indeed depressed, as she says, then she needs to be taken to a therapist for evaluation and treatment. However, I suspect that she is pulling that word out to be persuasive. "How can you make your depressed daughter go to school? Have you no heart?" Kids today must all have a copy of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual hidden under their beds. My daughter has matter-of-factly informed me that she has a personality disorder. When I asked which one, she waved her hand and said she forgot the name of it, but that she definitely has it.
But I digress. Back to Jane's question. I would encourage a face-to-face dialogue in which Jane acknowledges her daughter's feelings, telling her that we have all been there. Offer to make plans for the weekend to go to lunch and talk about what's going on that has her depressed. Maybe go shopping or get a pedicure together. Young girls are far more likely to share with their moms in these types of situations than when confronted outright. But bottom line, she needs to go to school. There is a life lesson in this for Jane's daughter. As we become responsible adults, we sometimes have to act in a way that is not in accord with how we feel in a particular moment. But we suck it up and face the music. It's how we build character.
I would also tell her that once she gets a shower and has her morning coffee (my daughter has been drinking coffee since she was eight), it will be a brand new day. Getting up and out will probably make her feel better than if she wallowed in her solitude all day, dwelling on the depressing aspects of her dreary teenage life. After all, self esteem doesn't come from the outside. It comes from doing things that are worthy of esteem. So, go to school, Greta. It'll all be okay.
He says:
You know what my mom would have said if I had asked her for an "alone day" when I was a kid? "Sure, honey. You want an alone day? Here's an idea: Friday night, when all your friends are going out, you can have an alone day, in your room."
Kids don't have problems. They have zero responsibilities in life, except to get good grades, and since teachers teach to the goddamn test these days, that's even easier nowadays. I have no idea when kids became the center of the universe, but it was way after I was a kid, that's for sure.
If it were me, I would tell my daughter to spin around in circles, and while she is doing that, I'd say, "Now, while it appears that the world is revolving around you, you are actually just spinning around like a retard. Now go to school, cuz Daddy needs an alone day, and I actually earned one."
So there you have it.
mom. i need a day off. from being around people. you know how it affects me. i just need an alone day. when i get like this, i get depressed, and i want to try something new so that it happends less frequently. tomorrow i have no tests. i'm caught up in spanish and math..do you think i could take a break?
Jane was torn. On the one hand, she wanted to respect her daughter's feelings, but on the other, she didn't want to send the message that it's okay to ditch school and avoid problems. When asked, her daughter assured her there was no problem at school, no one was picking on her, and it had nothing to do with avoiding any academic deadlines. Jane told me, "Shoot, I want an alone day, too. Don't we all? But I have to go to work. Of course, she is only a teenager...what do you think I should do?"
Here is how Kristangelo weighed in on the matter...
She says:
Ah the drama of the teenage girl. She sounds like Greta Garbo. "I just vahnt to be alone." Well, in an age where "alone" is virtually (and I use the word literally) impossible anymore, I can certainly respect her wish to check out. Today's teens are so plugged in to each other through facebook, twitter, texting and chatting, it's no wonder they seek some solitude now and then. In fact, it's probably a healthy sign. I wonder if they aren't growing addicted to constant contact. Sounds like she needs a weekend at Walden Pond to me.
But the question is, do we allow our kids to take a "personal day" from school to get this solitude. I think the answer needs to be no. If she is indeed depressed, as she says, then she needs to be taken to a therapist for evaluation and treatment. However, I suspect that she is pulling that word out to be persuasive. "How can you make your depressed daughter go to school? Have you no heart?" Kids today must all have a copy of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual hidden under their beds. My daughter has matter-of-factly informed me that she has a personality disorder. When I asked which one, she waved her hand and said she forgot the name of it, but that she definitely has it.
But I digress. Back to Jane's question. I would encourage a face-to-face dialogue in which Jane acknowledges her daughter's feelings, telling her that we have all been there. Offer to make plans for the weekend to go to lunch and talk about what's going on that has her depressed. Maybe go shopping or get a pedicure together. Young girls are far more likely to share with their moms in these types of situations than when confronted outright. But bottom line, she needs to go to school. There is a life lesson in this for Jane's daughter. As we become responsible adults, we sometimes have to act in a way that is not in accord with how we feel in a particular moment. But we suck it up and face the music. It's how we build character.
I would also tell her that once she gets a shower and has her morning coffee (my daughter has been drinking coffee since she was eight), it will be a brand new day. Getting up and out will probably make her feel better than if she wallowed in her solitude all day, dwelling on the depressing aspects of her dreary teenage life. After all, self esteem doesn't come from the outside. It comes from doing things that are worthy of esteem. So, go to school, Greta. It'll all be okay.
He says:
You know what my mom would have said if I had asked her for an "alone day" when I was a kid? "Sure, honey. You want an alone day? Here's an idea: Friday night, when all your friends are going out, you can have an alone day, in your room."
Kids don't have problems. They have zero responsibilities in life, except to get good grades, and since teachers teach to the goddamn test these days, that's even easier nowadays. I have no idea when kids became the center of the universe, but it was way after I was a kid, that's for sure.
If it were me, I would tell my daughter to spin around in circles, and while she is doing that, I'd say, "Now, while it appears that the world is revolving around you, you are actually just spinning around like a retard. Now go to school, cuz Daddy needs an alone day, and I actually earned one."
So there you have it.
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